Trapped...
unable to suceed..unable to sucum to my ultimate desire,
somewhere between heaven and hell i wait...
and dare not hope for release,

it does not hurt...
the pain numbed by deeper issues,
problems unsolved,
feeling unlocked,

the blade slices across my flesh,
as the bright saphires spread like poisen along the straight line,
relief,
as the crimson blood spills red along my skin,
adreneline takes control,

trembling,
the reminder that i exist,
that i am here..that i can feel,
the pain sinks in,
im alive...lost,
incapable of slicing further
a coward among hero's,
out of place,
an alien in a forgein planet.

how i long to lie among the immortal clouds,
to no longer feel the pain locked inside,
the blood runs dry and i am still here,
in the same lonely purgatory,
relief has gone...panic sets in
the sweet taste of death just a whisper
untill the day the silver angel lets me sail away among the sparkling see of rubies,
and finally leave this place, this pugatory, this hell.

if all im here for is to writhe in torment and pain,
and never reach my lifelong goal,
then let me sail among the heavens or drop me down to hell!

im disgusting, fat and pathetic!
and always will be

end off x

So today my sister found and read my diary.
She read the last page which talks about my cutting and suicide attempts/thoughts.
she showed it to my other sister.
who rang me and met me in a carpark...locked me in her car and confronted me.
My sister asked me who ana was...i told her she was made up and she looked at me as if i had just told her that i saw little green people.
then my other sister said
'well its not as if your anorexic you eat sometimes'...ha that said it all. i nearly screamed.
There booking me a doctors appointment tommorow.
im so scared im not going to say anything about ana...just my depression and self harm.
that i can handle i was doing that anyway.
i now feel the need to lose as much as possible in the next couple of weeks so that the doctor doesn't look at me if ana comes out in our conversation and he weighs me.
he is going to think im disgusting and fat...and a lier!

to top this all off ive eaten sooo much today im disgusting. only had 4 lax left..however they started working pretty quick.
As strange as this sounds i don't want to lose this..i need ana. i don't know anything else.
And i refuse to get FATTER!!!!

So i am now on a strict 300cal meal plan that will hopefully fool my family into thinking i eat. if not they bought the secret out i will just refuse to eat.

NO BREAKFAST...

SNACK- Small apple or 2 small oranges. or a rice cake. 30-50cals

DINNER- Weight watchers soup or slim-a-soup. 50 cals or 80-100cals

TEA- Veggies with sauce,stir fry or soup. 28-200cals

SNACK- Apple or oranges. or rice cake.


Please lord save me from myself.
x

Lost i tread the dead ground beneath my feet and weep,
weep for hope lost, pain found,tears not fully cried,
the water runs dry from my eyes,
and i slowly crumble like the fallen autumn leaves,
that left the saftey of the tree and now like me lie broken,
lost in the abise of fear, pain, solitude.

Will i ever smile again,
or sip from earths sweet wine,
or learn to love anyone but you my dear, my Angel.
You cast me from you into love's lonely purgatory,
and i a motherless child must know learn to walk.

Walk away from your love,
we laid upon the earth like children always searching always learning,
day by day we fed upon each others thoughts, teachings, lessons, emotions.
we dared to believe, together.
And i a tortured soul let down my guard and took your hand in faith,
that you would bring me back to life my love.

But you have betrayed me, my life, my all,
i alone tasted the sweet forbidden fruit,
the heated flames crawled against my skin in ectasy,
you watched me burn,
you saw me die,
you plunged me into darkness.

And now I, your love, your soul, your all,
am like dirt upon your feet,
a sin against your name,
a curse among your heart,
was it my fault?
was i too loud, too loving, too intense,
too much,
infatuation lost...you left me,
and now my cast off soul has departed,
burn't by the flames of hell,

I the empty vesel of blood and flesh am left,
never to feel, never to heal,
my ragged breath scrape along my heart with thoughts of you,
your face is all i see,
your kisses all i taste,
all of them tainted with your hate,
turn to ash in my stomach,
and i am left to choke upon our once everlasting love.

why in blackened nightmares do i scream your name,
or long for your arms with all my heart,
you have killed me,
yet i still love you so.

if my pain is what you wan't, then you win,
i surrender my all, my heart, my dreams,
everything i have is yours now my love,
if my pain brings you pleasure,
then for your pleasure i sacrifice my soul,
enjoy my love and remember that pleasure you hold so dear comes from me,

Once your everything.
Goodnight my sweet prince..my everlasting kisses carress your lips.

x

lost in the darkness i cry,
the tearless sobs break from my chest,
and cascade into the abise,
numbness takes hold,
and i am left...alone.
the endless strife of life lays before me,
and i alone perish within the walls of my broken state.

if life were kind i may find the strength to live,
but alas the frequent solitude,
which entraps my soul reeps on,
till the heart beats slow,
the eyes once the gateway to my soul dry up,
life ceases pleasure,
depression takes hold,
i am lost,
alone and scared i plea for mercy,
for strength,
for dreams.

no more do i feel the warm pleasure of the sun,
no more taste the sweet wine of life's treasure,
my heart beats dry,
my veins shrived up,
no pleasure,
pain is all i feel know.

Death seems sweet,
seems peaceful and quiet,
yet lifes great hold and loved one's pain of lose,
keeps me here in hell,
in torment of thine own soul,
and i alone perish within this lifeless vesel of flesh and bone.

i long for deaths sweet bitterness,
for drops of tears upon my cheek,
why in life do i not feel,
why can i not escape this pain,
why does deaths sweet freedom escape me,
and leave me still alive, still in pain.

if i lifes toy must suffer,
and choke upon life's lonely street,
let it be,
if in deaths sweet grace i cannot fly,
then i love's lost soul must perish,
my soul cast forth,
to burn upon the firey pergutory between life and death.

i cannot fly,
nor leave this fallen state,
i must not cry,
nor curse my eternal hell,
for i must stand alone in life,
and reep this torturous pain,
never to feel hope, nor peace, nor dreams,
no life for me fully lived.

x

I MISS YOU!


i miss your kisses,i miss your touch. i miss the excitement and the lightheaded forgetting to breathe. i feel as though i have died and now i can't reach you. i would beg the Angels to let me feel the heat of your skin, the touch of your lips against mine. i would die a thousand times to sleep in your arms, a thousand times more to wake each morning to your perfect face, your sweet kisses, to watch you sleep, to run my fingers through your hair, to smell the sweet musky scent of you warm in the morning air.
You are here my love.So close yet so far, locked in my heart. You, My you. The you ive met in my dreams, you the perfect Angel, My perfect Angel. As if sent from Heaven to pierce my heart, then fly cloaked off into the night. Forever a distant memory, a faint recognition of what might have been. And now my life stretches before me tainted by that faint touch. i am left only half human, only half myself. My other half forever yours, locked away untill the day you return. Untill like Juliet and her Romeo i touch your frozen lips and drive the bloodthirsty dagger through my forever broken heart.

All i want in life is Love...a pure, all consuming...i would die for you love.
im so hoplessly romantic...so lost in a fairytale.


He broke my heart

x

i would just like to say a very heartfelt thankyou to all of the amazing beautiful people who where supporting me last night :)
you know who you are...i went to bed and have only recieved the messages now.
they have made me realise how truly beautiful inside and out each and every one of you are.
stay safe beauties :)

how is everyone today...i offically have a sickness bug. x

Alone,in time i will heal,
the sweeping winds of time sail by,
And i am left,
destitute upon the land of dreams and hopes,
lost to the world, to life, to love,
destined never to live.
never to taste love's sweet pollen,
or walk bare footed among the warm summer sand,
how did i get here?
was it by some mistic force,
sent down to weep among the savage hills,
the trails and tribulations of modern times,
to live upon the barriers of fire and ice,
love and hate, passion and sin,
yet never feel...never heal.

too frail, too lost,
my forever aching heart abandoned,
cascading from my chest in deep scarlet gems among the wastelands,
of hope and dreams, fairytales and nightmares,
forever unmoving, forever unchanging,
a lonely bird unable to fly,
wings extended, breeze flowing,
unable to move,
unable to speak,
like a baby left by a mother upon a lonely hill,
how did i get here?

As if through a women's anguish scorned.
i lie among the dead broken plants,
whoose beauty once linned my dreams with colour and light,
till everything fades black and cold,
no music softly echos,
no warm unsettled breeze rustles my hair,
i all alone beweep my fallen state,
and stand among the dark wasted battlefield,
forever alone,
forever alone,
forever alone.

So ive finaly decided to put pics up i need inspiration..i keep binging :(

so guess my weight:


<lj-cut text="pics"><a href="http://s381.photobucket.com/albums/oo255/thumbelina_69/?action=view&current=Photo0359.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i381.photobucket.com/albums/oo255/thumbelina_69/Photo0359.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

<a href="http://s381.photobucket.com/albums/oo255/thumbelina_69/?action=view&current=Photo0353.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i381.photobucket.com/albums/oo255/thumbelina_69/Photo0353.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a></lj-cut>

xoxox